February 12, 2004

  • (Is this towMOTTOy enough?)


    Paul says to me yesterday after morning class:   "Your sister reminds me of Sandra."   (His brother Bud's spoiled fat princess of a girlfriend who always tries to run everyone around.)


    Wanting to hear more, I said, "Why?"


    Paul shot me an exaggerated scolding look, tched and said,  "Be-coss."


    We both broke out laughing.  Sandra has a slight lisp from childhood she just can't hide when she's upset or onto someone.   A real Because-I-Can chick, "because" is her habitual response to anything she doesn't know or you've no business asking.   It's plain hilarious, and I couldn't wait to do Cokie like Sandra as soon as she walked in  yesterday.  Maybe it's mean with all the speshuls, but I just had to.   For copping Thea's Hello Kitty toothbrush.   For asking if we had a "spare" vibrator for the guest room.   For coming onto Saj at the party as if Donna were an ugly old cow.    For acting like the smoothist chick on Earth, then taking a big grunting crap over the phone and telling me about it.   (Me:  "What are you doing?"  Coke, all cutesylike:  "Poopin.'")   Grosso maxo.


    It was right before the evening movie when  Cokie, unable to sit still for more than five minutes, inquired, "You guys want anything at the store?   I'm about to motor."


    "Yeah,"  I yelled like a cat-calling construction worker.   "Gimme a missile."   I grinned over at my roomie, spaced out in front of the TV with a wrinkled brow.   "Chel-lee!  Hi-hi-hi!    Ashleigh's going to the store."    Start.


    Chelle:   "I wanna tamale."


    Coke:   "What kind?"


    "A big hot beef one I could stick between my legs.   TWO.   They come frozen."   


    Cokie, unlfinchingly, like a substitute high school teacher in a bad neighborhood:  "Thea?"  


    Just when we needed her, and talk about feisty!   "Yo askin' MEEH, girl?   Oooh!   I think I'll have one o' thame knockwurst from the deli, oozin' with exter maynaise an' melted cheese.   Hwite cheese.  Anduh pickle, one o' thame beeg warty DEEL one from the glass jar.  Make sure thatsa hweat bun.   Oh, anduh ass cream--"


    "Excuse me?"


    "Some-ice-cream.   Jamocha almond fudge, one pint.   Thanks, sista.  Um, hmm."


    It was Donna's turn.   "I could really dig a meatball sandwich."


    Cokie leaned into her leather memo pad, repeating the words as she scibbled.  "Meat-ball sand-wich......"


    "With BIG meatballs and lotsa toMAtoe sauce, or you can forget it."


    "Yeah, we always demand big balls around here,"  I chimed in oily.


    "Shut up you perve!"


    Thea:  "I think we're irritating her."


    Me:   "No, she's just teasing."   I turned to my sister, busy yanking on her coat and purse to dash out the door.   "Awww.   You're a girl, Ash.   You know how us girls can get when left......unattended to."


    "Sure, Tina."


    "ASH!  Wait, I've changed my mind."


    She hovered in the doorway, pursing her lips in an expression of utter tedium.


    "I really want some moanies.   It's too cold for a missile."


    "Moanies?  You just made fuckin' macaroni and cheese!"


    "Yeah, but not gourmet.   They've got the three-cheese kind there, with gorgonzola."


    SLAM.